Friday, October 28, 2011


It's hardly been 3 weeks since I swore him off. Things had gotten stale and I just wasn't feeling it anymore with Lover. I've been totally okay with it too. ShyGuy has been entertaining me when I need it and I honestly haven't given much thought to Lover. Until last night. He's like a sexual plague that starts with one simple text message. I should've been strong and not responded but who am I kidding?? I have NO will power. Especially not when it comes to this particular Bieber. I'm a little ashamed of how quickly I got sucked back in.One good full frontal shot and I was back craving his Tommy Lee. He's passing through town on the way to somewhere for a gig and then back through on Sunday or Monday on the way home. Who could resist that? Better question, who would want to pass on steamy, wild, monkey sex with a blond god? Not this white girl. No way. I wanted on that shit for a long time, once I got it I loved it and I'm a greedy American. More is more! One nudie pic and I was sent over the edge. So I guess if it can be worked out (stories, time lines etc. Having an affair is like doing a science experiment. Will it create something great or will it blow up in my face and singe my eyebrows off.?) I will be balls deep in blonde hair before Tuesday. I CAN'T WAIT! But like life, there's a few downfalls.

1) I can't remember if I've fully explained how I know him. He plays bass in a band that my ex-bf and current bff (super weird situation but remember who's talking. It's typical) used to be in. So they've been friends for years and years. The Ex-BF/BFF would probably be devastated to find out that we've got a little sumpin' sumpin' going on. It's no secret that the ex is still in love with me. (Can you blame him?) He would hate us both. He'd eventually forgive me but never him and honestly he doesn't have enough friends for me to be taking them away. To make matters worse he was having lunch with one of Lover's room mates and possibly Lover himself today. I can't catch a break sometimes.

2) I guess really this isn't a downfall but it's a weird occurrence. Like I've said Lover is extremely skilled at dirty text messages. Well, the son of a bitch is equally as skilled at sending emotionally charged ones. Not only does he tell me the filthy, delicious things he's going to do to me but he tells me things like he misses me and wishes he could see me everyday. He's even gone so far as to tell me I'm perfect, his drug and *get ready for this* that we will be together for a long time, no matter who we were with, I'm his. What do you say back to that?? I don't require all the sugar coating, it's nice and it makes matters even better but we both know it's not necessary.  *** LIGHTBULB MOMENT*** I bet I could make him say the dirty "L" word. No, I don't me lesbian. I made ShyGuy turn into a complete freak, is this really any different? It's the same thing in reverse. He's already a freak in the sheets, can I turn him soft and break his heart? He's already half-way there. Seriously, I've never been held all night by a boy that I had crazy sex with that didn't love me at least a little. (Not counting that one time with HomeTown, although he did turn out to have feelings for me.) He's even gotten a little choked up during sex once and begged me to let him have me again. WE WEREN'T DONE WITH THE FIRST GO ROUND! We'll just see, though. I may have to contemplate this little personal wager for a while longer.

So who knows what this weekend might bring. Hopefully, it will have at least a little fun and naughty time with him. Sweet ole "dick in hand", as my friend calls him. Hey, a dick in the hand is worth one in the bush right?? :)

Love and repeat offenses,

P.S. Oh shit. I forgot I told ShyGuy I would come see him Saturday night after his soccer game... Oops! Sorry honey, you'll always be second fiddle.

Monday, October 24, 2011

List #5 Old School Jams

I heard not one, but two songs on my XM radio today that reminded me of high school days. I can't believe there's a channel on XM for songs exclusively from the first decade of the millenium just like a 90's and 80's channel. Bad ass, right? I started thinking, though. There are 1000's of songs and bands that I have come to love since high school but I can safely say there have been very few that contain the memories and emotions that some of those high school era songs do. Of course most of them were terrible pop songs but that's not the point. They were my jam! These songs got me excited to go ride around town on a Saturday night, go to a school dance or just freaking roll with the windows down with my best girls. I wouldn't repeat high school for all the money on Earth but I would love to have just one more teenage ride with my friends, listening to our songs and just enjoying not having a care in the world. Before I get too sappy, I present to you my perfect high school playlist:

List #5 Old School Jams

1. Addicted- Simple Plan
2. Toxic- Britney Spears
3. Remix to Ignition- R. Kelly
4. Boys of Summer- The Ataris
5. When Gentry Plays Guitar- Jessica Andrews
6. Take Me Away- Fefe Dobson
7. Colt 45- Afroman
8. On the Grind- Nelly
9. Trial Time- Mr. Bigg
10. Any and every Matchbox 20 song
11. Ditto for John Mayer
12. F*ck It- Eamon
13. Where is the Love?- Black Eyed Peas
14. I Found Someone- Cher
15. Little Red Corvette- Prince
16. Boys of Summer- The Ataris
17. Still Fly & Get Your Roll On- Big Tymers
18. Buddy Holly- Weezer
19. Teenage Dirtbag- Wheatus
20. Salt Shaka- Ying Yang Twins
21. Champagne Supernova- Oasis
22. Fat Lip- Sum 41
23. Get Low- Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys
24. Slow Motion- Juvenile
25. 21 Questions- 50 Cent
26. *Best Rap CD of the Decade* Chicken and Beer- Ludacris

I hate to stop on a random number but if I don't just quit then this list will be 5,000 songs long!
What are your high school favorites?

Love and Mixed Tapes,

Sex, Lies and ???

I've created a monster.

You've all heard about ShyGuy. He's a sweet precious little sex toy that I do so love to play with. He's not super experienced like Lover but pretty well endowed and attentive to my physical needs. I went to visit him a few weeks ago and we had a fabulous time. Nothing out of the ordinary. I made the bet with myself that I could get him to send me a nudie pic and he finally did. It was a horribly planned out picture but hey, it was a step in the right direction. I wanted to make him a little kinkier and I succeeded.

This past weekend I exchanged a few dirty texts with him. Pretty typical filth about what we want to do to each other. No biggie. I sent a few pics, he actually sent a good dick pic. (Good angle, fully engorged) I'm beside myself at this point thinking about how uninhibited I've gotten him to be and what a crazy, hair pulling, ass slapping sexy time we will have next time we see each other. Then the unthinkable happened. This motherfucker jumped head first into the dirty deep end. (Have I mentioned I can't swim??)

He asked me to send him a video.

I was at a loss for words and that is just not something that happens to me. Ten thousand questions went through my head. A video? A video of what? Me undressing? Ok, that might could be doable. But how will I work the camera and look sexy while shimmying my hot buns in a seductive way? I don't even own a video camera for Pete's sake! Can this feat be accomplished with my iPhone? How do even I respond to such a request? So I play coy and say "a video of what? :)" Not my most clever response but hell! It was 11pm, I've been taking care of my post-op husband who was spitting blood all over me, cut me some slack!
I'm mildly ashamed to even share what he said back to me. He honestly said to me:

"A video of you pleasing yourself using a tool or your fingers"

Uh, say what? A tool? Just when I thought he was done being awkward and not good at sexual things he not only goes too far, but does it in such a matter of fact way. A tool??? I was stunned. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. I'm a country girl at heart. You say tool and I think hammer, screwdriver (no pun intended), monkey wrench etc. I'm getting all kinds of terrible visuals at this point. I'm sure his retarded, inexperienced ass meant a dildo but what straight girl has a dildo?? Real dicks are so cheap! Only lesbians have dildos! I will never need to wear a strap on, therefore I have no need for a big rubber Bieber! Vibrator yes, dildo no. And did this fool really say this to me?? Like really really?? Holy shit! Can't you just see me trying to masturbate with a "tool" in one hand and my iPhone in the other?? Well I can't.

I had no choice but to respond to him in the only way any self respecting girl can in this situation.

"I won't send you a video. But next time I come see you we can make one together :)"

I'm still dirty, I'm just not a freak!

Love and dirty deeds,


I've become a slack blogger. What can I say, though? Life gets in the way. My co-worker is still out and the last two weekends have been super busy. Granted, one was A LOT more fun than the other.

Here's a little recap of my madcap life:

-Two weekends ago I spent time with one of my sweet Besties and one of her Besties. I had doubts about how things would go but I had a blast. I'm not really a fan of having many girl friends but she was sweet and awkwardness did not ensue. (Well, aside from the good kind of awkwardness that 3 nerdy girls are bound to cause) We all got new tattoos. It was my friend's first one and she was super brave! I acted like my foot was being cut off! Oh well. We saw a Cold War Kids show and a great band opened for them, The Givers. They were freaking amazing! I love any band that has a bad ass girl in it! I also dyed my hair dark. It was my first time ever doing a home dye job (I have TONS of hair so I've always been too scared to try) but with some help it turned out great! We also went to a really great little vintage shop where we bought lots of fabulous shoes and I even bought a vintage wedding dress. No, I have no idea what I will actually do with it but I guarantee it will be grand!

-Nothing great happened over the next week. Just work, work, work.

-My lovely husband had his wisdom teeth out on Friday so I spent this whole weekend taking care of the world's biggest baby. I would've been a horrible RN. I have no patience, a weak stomach and I'm a worry wart. Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

-I returned to work today to a huge mess. I only missed half a day on Friday and somehow my boss managed to make a mess that will take me all day to sort out. ugh. Lucky me.

Hopefully I will be able to catch up and post more this week. I do have a weird story/rant about ShyGuy to share. :)

Love and busy days,

Friday, October 14, 2011

List 4: Fantasy Ranch

Required Listening:

I can't believe I'm about to admit to being the huge, tree hugging hippie that I am, but it's true. I love some animals and Mother Earth. I'm not a crazy, unshaven armpits, vegan hippie though. No, I'm the kind that actually takes a bath, dresses trendy and has a job. Secretly, I'm even a member of PETA. (I've reported my local Wal-Mart for having tattooed fish and even participated in a letter writing campaign to stop Red Lobster from buying seafood from fisherman that club baby harp seals.) I own and am obsessed with Planet Earth and Blue Planet. Needless to say, I would be an animal hoarder if my husband would let me. Which brings me to my point. At the fair this weekend, we walked through the petting zoo and I pointed out which animals I wish I owned. His only comment was, "It's a good thing we don't have a ranch. There's no telling what kind of critters you would acquire." So here's my official list of the reasonable and not so reasonable animals I would stock a farm with.

LIST #4 Animals on my Fantasy Ranch

1. Scottish Highland Cows- If a cow and an Ewok had a baby it would be this guy.
2. Mini Horses- Does this even need an explanation?
3. Silky Chickens- Because they're ridiculously flamboyant.
4. Alpacas- Free Sweaters!
5. Fainting Goats and Pygmy Goats- Drama queens and more mini goodness
6. Mini Pigs- Are you seeing a trend here?
7. Emo Bunnies- No one understands them like I do.

1. Ligers and Tions- I loved them before Napolean, damnit! Seriously, my summer camp was by an animal refuge and we could hear them roaring all night. I imagine living in Africa is similar just with more mosquitoes, less Kool-Aid and no high dive.
2. Lemurs- I will be disappointed if they can't dance like in Madagascar though.
3. Unicorn- Everyone wants one. Just admit it.

4. Pygmy Marmosets- I'll just carry these in my purse.

Ridiculousness. I know. Happy Friday!

Love and Silliness,

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Craft Corner- Metallic Collar Button Ups

This weekend I am headed north to visit the Bestie. I can't wait! I've been needing a good girls weekend for a while now. The weekend will be filled with laughs, good food, even better drinks, gossiping, watching The Big Bang Theory, a Cold War Kids show, antique shopping, nail painting and most importantly crafting! My craft of the weekend will be making a metallic collar for a button-up shirt.

Like this but wrapped in gold fabric not studs.
I found the idea Here at a blog I follow daily, Because I'm Addicted. It's a really cute blog and they made this DIY project look so easy! I can't wait to get started! What a great way to make an old white button-up fun again! Get your glue guns ready girls!

Love and fresh looks,

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!!

Mission accomplished!! I knew I could break him if I tried hard enough! (Confused? *See footnote.) Honestly, it wasn't even that hard. I did, however, see a new side of ShyGuy last night. He (in his own way) was being dirty! Now we've always sent dirty texts back and forth but it was all pretty generic. He actually asked for a dirty pic and then sent one in return! And I could see his **Bieber! This is such an accomplishment!!! I'm going to turn this freak out, after all! He's so good at heart and I do love that about him but I would love him more if he could put that aside every now and then and get nasty.

Now, for a breakdown on the pic. I still have so much to teach this boy.

1) He's well hung but took a pic with a flaccid tall boy. (Contrary to popular belief though, his dick isn't "discolored" it's just "dick colored".) He could've gotten more points for a swollen member, but I'm just proud that he got this far.

2) He was kind of standing sideways in the picture so you can see his kibbles and bits AND his white boy bubble butt. He's very sporty so he's got that super toned wiry body and those hip muscle things guys have that lead right into their pants. He gets double points for this. Not many guys think to include their tushies in nudie pics.

3) He has one mirror in his house. One. Who lives like that? It's a small bathroom mirror that's kind of high up. I honestly can't figure out how he got his whole (not very tall) self in the pic. Seriously, I have a feeling there was some smoke and fun house mirrors involved. He gets extra points for the level of difficulty.

Overall he scored well on his first attempt. I love getting a boy to do something he's really not comfortable doing. It's such a power trip! *insert evil laugh here*

He's such a sweet boy and we do have a good time. I'm quite tempted to go back on my word about giving up my lovers. The husband is being a real dick anyway. He's adopted this shitty tone in his voice and it really pisses me off. He says he doesn't mean to sound like that but nicka please. That's not a tone of endearing love. Regardless of what else or who else I have going on, I make a point to never let it show to him. I would like the same courtesy. I know he's mad because I sleep in the other bed sometimes but if that's that big of a deal then we might as well divorce now. I can't sleep good in the bed with him. I don't have enough space, I don't like to share blankets and I'm always worried about waking him up when I wiggle. It's just not worth losing sleep over. Literally. Like most guys though, he needs to grow the fuck up. Enough of that. I'm ruining my happy mood. Hold on and let me looked at naked ShyGuy again. *tick tock*

ahh.... Happy again. :)))

Love and pogo sticks,

*I can't remember if I shared this particular personal mission with you or not, but I made a deal that I could get ShyGuy to send me a nudie pic. He never ever has before. He's just not naughty by nature (You down with OPP??). He's sent me naked pics from the waist up but never of the goods. Until last night... ;)

** I decided that since I refer to my vagalicious as my Britney (Spears, of course) that I will refer to the male pogo stick as a Bieber. I'm a genius. You're welcome.

Song of the Day

Required Listening:

Walk- Foo Fighters
(especially about halfway through the song when Grohl starts really getting loud.)

For the very first time
Don't you pay no mind
Set me free again
You keep alive a moment at a time
But still inside a whisper to a liar
To sacrifice but knowing to survive
The first to find another state of mind
I'm on my knees, I'm waiting for a sign
Forever, whenever
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I never wanna die
I'm on my knees
I never wanna die
I'm dancing on my grave
I'm Running through the fire
Forever, whatever
I Never wanna die
I Never wanna leave
I'll Never say goodbye
Forever, whatever
Forever, Whatever

I listen to this song when I start the running portion of my walks. It pumps me up everytime. I wanna dance on my grave and run through the fire, damnit!!!

Time to get our days started people!

Love to Infinity,

You're kind of goofy, but I love you. Let's do this shit!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

List # 3 Happy Things

For anyone who doesn't know, I have a Happy Book. I'm fully aware that in recent years there has been an interactive journal for sale similarly named and modeled. However, I've been working on this book for at least 8 years. So suck it you copycat bitch! Anywho, it's nothing fancy. Just an unlined journal with two straight columns on each page of things that make me happy. Tangible things, emotions, events, anything is fair game.

For my third list installment, I hereby give you:

List #3: Things that Make Me Happy Lately

1) Upcoming Trips- going to the bestie's this weekend to see the Coldwar Kids and then NYC next month for Thanksgiving and THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE! My freaking favorite TV event of the year. I get choked up just thinking about how great it will be to finally get to be there. That'll be one item marked off my bucket list!

2) My Birthday- I love the 8 crazy nights leading up to my big day. It's the grandest holiday by far. Husband is very accommodating and we have lots of fun little rituals.

3) Fall Fashion- It's just a better time of the year for clothes. You can layer and rock even more pieces and the accessories are just superior. I love to go to the mall and see a sea of black clothes just waiting to be worn on a brisk day.

4) New TV shows- I'm obsessed with Pan-Am. I've always wanted to be a flight attendant. I wonder if it's too late to get into that now?? Hmm... Food for thought.

5) Fair Food- We went to the State Fair for lunch this weekend and I outdid myself.

6) Christmas Decorations- as soon as Halloween is over, the tree goes up and Hanson's Snowed In goes into the CD changer! Most people say wait until after Thanksgiving but no. Not this white girl. It's part of those 8 crazy nights I mentioned. Thanksgiving is a food holiday anyway. I'm grateful for the Pilgrims and everything but I sympathize with the Native Americans too. They got the short end of that stick, for reals yo.

7) A New Camera- We are in the process of researching and buying a nice new camera for the trip. An SLR or a D-SLR. I really need tons of help on this and have no clue who to ask. Where do you find helpful salesmen that aren't just trying to sell you something?

What's making you happy?

Love and Good Vibrations,


I miss my blog. I love being busier at work so that my days go faster but I really miss "looking busy" and blogging about the retardation that is my life. On the other hand, nothing actually exciting is going on. No boy drama. No home drama. No work drama. I guess I'm one of those people that only has a lot to say when they are at less than optimal happiness. I never was a good journal keeper back in my Lisa Frank days. Looking back at those fluorescent notebooks with minuscule locks and keys, I only wrote about two things. One being boys (duh!) and the other being my mother. She's a great mom, don't get my wrong, but she's really been a cunt at times over the years. I still wouldn't trade her for anyone else. I mean, what kind of weak bitch would I be if I didn't have formal bitch training from the *Suze. But I digress.

I wish I had as much to share when I am happy as when I am in a funk but I don't. This could be because when I'm happy it's usually got some chemical substance mixed in and I just like to sit and buzz and think about deep thoughts that I inevitably forget. Seriously, I have come up with some mind blowing schemes and inventions and then forgot them before I could put them into action. (I don't sound one bit like a stoner, do I??) Lately though I've been too tired for deep thinking, reading, exercising, anything really except online shopping. And shopping I have done. Shoes, purses, capes, dresses, makeup, you name it. Seriously, I might be bordering on an addiction but not quite yet there. I swear one day I will live somewhere fabulous, and work somewhere fabulous so I can be a fashionista everyday. It's hard to really feel special in business casual wear, ya know? When that day comes I will become a fashion blogger, even though I think they are a bit ridiculous. I'm just vain and want to post lots of pretty pictures looking stunningly current and chic. If you all didn't know so many of my secrets, I would do that now! But, I've got to maintain my secret identity and whatnot. Alas, it's so hard to be me. This brings me to my next point.

My husband is totally okay with my buying presents for myself. For a while I thought it was irritating him that I spent money but paid no bills. Well, ladies and fabulous gentleman, something changed this weekend! He encouraged my to buy a pair of brown leather wedges that were upwards of $75. Now clearly I'm not talking Jimmy Choo or Louboutin but I have SO many shoes. So my heart was aching for these little gems and I walked away without them thinking he was trying to trick me somehow. (Why is suspicion my first instinct?) The next day I confessed to him that I had dreamed I owned those shoes and I could run in them. (Don't ask.) So he again encourages me to get them!! I still haven't but I probably will. If this is a trick I'm willing to see it through to the end. Either way I'll have the footwear. WINNING! This all sounds like a good sign right? Who couldn't adore a man that lets her do act like an Upper East Side trust fund baby, sleep in the other room, rarely have sex with him and basically just do whatever she pleases?? I'm seriously considering giving up my lovers for free reign with the credit card and no repercussions. I realize how absurd this sounds. I'm going to stop cheating on my husband for shoes. No one ever said I was a fucking sensible person. When you think about it though, I do care A LOT more for my possessions than the boys I use. I don't agonize over which boy would go better with my new leopard skinnies or which boy best compliments my eyes. No. I play with them for a while and then return them. Kind of like a library book. And we all know I'm slightly skeeved out by library books. Seriously, they all smell weird, I hate those thick plastic covers and the sounds they make and God only knows what kind of germs are lurking between those pages. Who knew lovers and library books were so similar? So from this point forward, I am going to buy things instead of renting a boy for the night. It's definitely not my worst plan. My NYC trip is around the corner and I fully intend to make the most of it with the hubby. Not to mention, I'm feeling more ready for a round two at the baby thing. Wish me luck!

Love and overdue fines,

*Suze- dimunitive form of the pet name my friends and I use for mi madre.

Sunday, October 2, 2011


I'm fairly certain I had my first mid-life crisis today in CVS. I went in for hydrocortisone cream for my bug bites and walked out with $60 worth of anti-aging creams and cosmetics. And not one single bottle of nail polish!!!

Lately, I've been noticing (and hopefully just imagining) bags under my eyes that didn't used to be there. The skin is loose and tired looking even when I'm as well rested as possible. Seriously, I'm in my mid 20's. THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING, RIGHT?? Hello panic attack city, population: me. I guess I've gotten off lucky that I made it this long without a beauty regimen. I've never moisturized regularly, exfoliated or any other shenanigans. I've always just washed my face and WHAM! I'm gorgeous in the morning. I'm not too good to have some assistance with my beauty!

After staring at every ant-aging product for at least 30 minutes I opted out of the scary shaped tube of collagen replacement and settled for a day/night eye firming cream, L'Oreal Advanced RevitaLift Eye Cream, and a night time firming cream, Olay Night of Olay Firming Cream, for my whole face. I'll let you know how things are tightening up.

At least it's just my eyes and not my Britney, right?? ;)

Love and tight, young skin,