Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Required Listening:

Someone Like You-Adele
She Will (Ft. Drake)- Lil Wayne

Happy Wednesday People! It's hump day! We're officially crawling towards the weekend now! So I'm sure you're all wondering what the hell was going through my head when I picked today's required listening. Well, truthfully Adele came on thanks to shuffle and I love to hear myself echoing in the bathroom. So I hit repeat and belted it out while I was getting ready for work. By the time I got in my car I was teetering on depressed. What was I thinking? I'm too hormonal from surfing the crimson wave to listen to shit like that. Now I'm a fucking wreck before work!! Stupid stupid stupid!!! So I did the one logical thing to do. I sent lines from the song ("Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead") to the ex boyfriend that was voted "Most Likely to Slit His Wrists" and turned Lil Wayne on. (Sorry you had to wake up to that one buddy, you're just such an easy target though! It's not like you won't forgive me.) Needless to say, my mood instantly lifted.

So today, I want to extend a Thank You to the rap world. You have truly made a mark on my life.
Without you I would've never learned how to pimp big! But thanks to you I can slap hoes and roll tight blunts with the best of them! Thanks to your videos I know my ass will always look better in a neon g-string and if I ever go on a drive-by I'll be sure to cock my gun to the side before I shoot.

Hahahaha I kid, I kid! (Well, sort of)

Seriously though, my sex life would've never been the same without rap songs. Laugh if you want, but I dare you to find a sexually active person who at some point hasn't gotten laid to a filthy ass rap song.
I know I have! I can't count how many times I dropped my panties to "Slow Motion" and "Superman" in high school alone and let's not forget the bootyfest that was 2008 when "Lollipop" dropped. Good Lawd!

So Rap gods, I salute you. Way less ass would've been tapped without you.

Love and thumping bass,

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Want to Live in the Center of a Circle

Required Listening: 

Home Life by John Mayer

So it's old news that I hate my life. And by hate, I mean it in the lightest sense of the word. I'm a lucky girl, no doubt. My husband adores me, my lover lusts after me, I gained 10 lbs and I'm hotter than ever but I still slightly hate it all. I have a great life, it's just not what I desired.

I admit that one of my favorite things about marriage is that I have no bills. None. Zero. Nada. I frequently indulge myself with things I don't need. Impossibly high heels that I probably will wear a maximum of two times, scads of nail polish, skanky panties, teacups etc. I'm a spoiled bitch and even I would give away all the self love for a shot at my fantasy life.

I would proudly rock second hand clothing in a big city. My happiness would define my beauty. I would sing. Really, truly bring you to tears with my sound. I don't know how I would be employed but I'd do something were I could thrive as an individual and make friends in my new surroundings. I never made the most of my current location. My anxiety has always been a burden. I'd see a band every night I could and wear my craziest outfits. I'd finally get that new tattoo I'm always talking about. Hell, I'd get two. I'd make love everyday with someone worth it. I might even enjoy knowing You in a different life too. It really would be awesome to get to re-start fresh. I just want to quench this feeling of waste.

Is it worth it to make this a reality? Who wants to go with me?

Love and Loneliness,

A Hypothetical Relationship

Required Listening: 

Sometime Around Midnight by the Airborne Toxic Event

      Do you like blondes? Shaggy haired blondes that make you think of Hanson and how much you innocently wanted them to ravish you? I do. Everytime, I do.

      He has bad idea written all over him..."But he plays the bass in the band" , says the devil. "But it's the same band your ex was in" , says the angel. "But there's always been that sexual tension", says the devil. "But you have a husband", says the angel. But, But, But...

      I know you, you'll finish your wine and text him back. Just a friendly response. It could be taken either way. Do you still smoke he says? Hmm. Is that what this is all about? Is that our one common ground, surely not. Are you sowing the hydro garden in your closet again to finance your move? Fine, I'll blow you off for a few weeks. I told you what happened to me. You cared but it didn't take me out of your cross hairs . Let's hang out you said. Smoke party. Have a drink. "Just see me", you mean. So I lie the first lie. Now I'm here with you. In your house. The two of us. It's never just been the two of us. Where's Smiley and Shorty? It's better without them. We should've done this a long time ago. We both wanted it. Did you really just hold me all night? What role are you playing in this game?

      Now it's been a while. You left, but we talk. We want. We share the images that make us want. (And have mercy, they're naughty!) We're a good pair, you say. A bad ass one, indeed. No one can know but you want me, you want our bodies together. I want you too. Are you ever gonna come home again? You gave me back the passion for life. I want to go and see and do and love and lose and win and fight and shine again. I want you... I want you! I REALLY FUCKING WANT YOU TO COME SEE ME, YOU ASSHOLE! Make or break this feeling I'm having for you. It's wrong to want what I want, but will I get it? Can you give it to me? Will you give me that escape from this?

Love and true longing,

Can't you see I've waited long enough?

I'm suffering at work today! I really should be fired for the amount and quality of work I do. Truthfully, we aren't that busy lately but still I should try to focus more. But who could focus with as much on my mind as I generally have on mine?? There's my marriage to think of, my lover, my lack of satisfaction with my current life path, all the fantasies of how I'd rather have my life, money, shoes, wine, etc...But lately mostly my lover. I swore I was going to change my nasty ways and be true to my husband when we wed. Well that lasted for a while. Then I got pregnant. Then I lost the baby. Nothing has been the same since. I'm sure you are all thinking the same things. "That's a hard thing to go through, be patient, be there for each other, blah blah blah" Thanks for the generic words of wisdom but I'll do me ok??! Now of course, I still love my husband dearly. He's been my best friend for so long now but something died with the baby. Maybe it's because it was such a joyful surprise, or because we haven't been married very long. Either way, it's just not the same anymore. We had planned to travel and wait a while for children before we got that particular unexpected gift. But we were never sad that our plans weren't going to happen. We were overjoyed. Then we lost that. My heart broke. It'll always make me sad to think of that time but some part of me feels relief. Does that make a horrible person? Probably, but at least I'm honest. I'm a very controlling person. I don't care for surprises. I'd rather be in on the planning and timing and every single teeny tiny detail of everything! I wasn't ready for it. We're still newlyweds! Holy Moses! We're going on a big trip this year and I would've been almost 8 months pregnant! Holy Smokes Batman! I need to make sure I'm going to be happy in this situation before I add another life to the mix. All of which has only drawn me to the conclusion that I want a baby, not a family. I would love to raise and teach a child but I want it my way. (I should've warned you that I can be extremely selfish at times, sue me!) I want to make decisions for two not three. And even more I realized that if this is my line of thought then I should think about the baby thing a bit more. The husband wants to try again right away so we I guess we are. I'm just not gonna be devastated every time my period shoes up instead of 2 little blue lines. When it happens I'll be ready though. I'll have my mind more wrapped around it by then. I said all that to say this, I'm still young, and I'm gonna be me for a while longer. Life is long. I'll get around to everything eventually. Right now, I'll just do me and see how that goes for a while. So I took a new lover.  ;) One I've wanted for a while now... He's dreamy... Want me to give you the scoop??

Love and shaggy haired boys,

The Boss

Part One of the Memories of Two Novembers

So I've been thinking. If you are going to get an accurate description of this relationship (or any other one I decide to tell you about) then you need to have a soundtrack. I'll just include a few songs that remind me of the time and person or that we listened to together.

Required Listening:

Valencia- The Decemberists
Wolf like Me- TV on the Radio
Anything by Rod Stewart, especially Maggie May

My first older lover was my boss. He was 40. I was 20. Go ahead and think all the typical judgemental things. Done yet? Ok great. No, he didn't take advantage of my age or his position. I took advantage of his, and loved every minute of it! It started innocently enough. Flirting, letting him catch me staring him. Then one day he got "sick" at work and went home early. Later that day I sent him a text message saying, "I hope you feel better, let me know if you need anything :)" I dangled a harmless little worm on a hook and he jumped on it like a starving Great White. He replied with, "Meet me for a drink when you get off". Clearly he had no clue of my real age. Luckily though, I had a decent fake ID at the time and with a little extra makeup and a low v-neck I never got shit from bouncers. It felt like forever before I was on my way to meet him. Needless to say we were both riddled with nerves and drank to compensate. Who knew we would have so much to talk about, so much in common? Who knew by the end of the night I would almost be giddy when he asked me to come back to his house to watch a movie? This man hadn't even held my hand yet. Our knees brushing together was all it took to let me know I had to have him. When we got there he tried to resist me. He really did, I swear! But come on! I might've been new to the older man game but I was born to play it. I swept my eyes up and down his body with a smirk and he caved. His mouth was on me, our hands frantically grabbing at clothes, and with one swift movement my legs were around his waist and he was walking me to his bed. Even years later as I write this I still get that full body rush thinking about that first night with him. It was the most amazing sex I had ever experienced. From that night forward (well for about 8 months anyway) we were a secret item. Working together definitely got more exciting. Slipping each other naughty notes, stealing glances, kisses, sneaky butt pinches. We went out on the weekend and listened to bands, we hung out with his artsy friends that never passed judgement on our obvious age difference. We smoked and drank wine and had deep talks and passionate sex. For his birthday I told him I had a present for him and went in the back room to get it. I returned in a very naughty Santa outfit. I'll never forget his face when he turned around and saw me. He told me he loved me that night and I realized it was mutual. I was barely able to fake interest for my real boyfriend anymore (didn't I mention I had a bf? Oops! He's the husband now, but that's another story). We went on like this for some time until just as easily as we came together, we fell apart. He wanted to be together for real. But I just couldn't. I was a woman now and he had made me that way. I had grown an empowering sense of confidence that to this day has only been shaken by one person (the 2nd November romance) and despite how grateful I am to him for it, I just couldn't settle down with a 40 year old man. So we ceased to be. The sex was slightly harder to give up, and occasionally we still had sleepovers. But all in all we parted amicably and forever I will love him and the time we spent together. The funny thing is we both got married this year. I married the most oblivious man on Earth and he married the tiny Asian he knocked up. (Did that sound bitter? I'm truly happy for him!) I've even met her once when I ran into them in a restaurant. I politely said my congrats and shook her tiny hand while my skin burned from him running his eyes up and down me. I guess some fires never die out, they just become a manageable smolder...

Love and embers,

P.S. Don't look for Part Two anytime soon. I have to prepare myself for that one and besides, I would much rather think and talk about the current Lover. ;)

Falling Hard

The extreme heat is finally breaking. Just barely but thank heavens! It's been too hot to get motivated to do anything. Truthfully, I'm just not a huge fan of summer. At least not how summer is where I live. I much prefer autumn weather. The crisp air, boots and scarves, bonfires, that spicy fall smell... I get excited just thinking about tights and apple cider, football games, whiskey warming your belly. Maybe being a Scorpio just makes me partial, who knows. What I do know is, I love a fall romance. Two of my most impressionable relationships started in November. These weren't the normal kinds of relationships. I never called either of these men (and yes they were very much men and not boys) my boyfriend. Although, we did love each other and say so quite frequently. Fine, I'll just tell you a little. I feel vaguely reminiscent today, anyway. We'll do this in two parts. I'm not quite in the mood to re-open the wound that the 2nd person left.
Stay tuned. Story to follow.

Love and ochre leaves of fall,

Intro to Me

So I should probably clue you in on a few things about me that could be important to know later on.
First off, I'm in my 20's. Secondly, I got married this year. Those sound so vague but it's all you're gonna get!

A few more adjectives about me: Southern, attractive, Scorpio, persuasive, sensual.

I have an office job that I HATE!! I was not meant to an 8-5 drone. I'm still trying to figure out how I let this happen and straighten it out. I'm sure you'll hear me complain about this a lot. Sorry!

I love wine, good books/movies, art and so many other typical things. I swear to slip a post in every once in a while on something other than me! :)

I'll fill you in on the rest as we go....

Love and stuff,

P.S. I forgot to tell you, I have a lover.... ♥


I'm starting this blog as a way to anonymously divulge all my secrets and inner thoughts. LUCKY YOU! Of course, any descriptive details will be changed for my privacy. Yes, I get the irony in that I don't mind sharing my secrets as long as they can't be traced to my actual self. I'm not just trying to have my cake and eat it too (what does that saying actually symbolize anyway?), we all know there are crazy stalkers out there! No sir, you won't be abducting and murdering me anytime soon! With all that said, Welcome to my crazy life! Feel free to comment and ask questions. I encourage it actually! You can all act as the little angels and devils on my shoulders.

Love and stuff,
(You didn't think you were going to get a real name did you? Silly rabbits!)