Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Killing Me Softly

Required Listening:
Goodbye Horses- Q. Lazzarus

While I was M.I.A. (not the cute British/Sri Lanken rap girl, although that would've been quite the trip) Lover never ceased to entertain me with his non-stop libido. Bless his heart, he really is the poster child for broken families and disgruntled youth. He always means well, but there never fails to be that one comment that's a little off somehow. We still mostly have to "sext" since the distance between us is so far, but there's still plenty of excitement to be had. We've definitely upped our game up and I will gladly tell you about that later, but for now here's what went down.

Dirtiness was unfolding, pictures had been sent and received, we were both extra creative with our explicit dialogue that night. Basically, a lot of "I can't wait to ____ you while I ____ ____ ____ and then I'm going to ____ your _____." Insert an assortment of colorful nouns and verbs and the scene is set.

UNTIL he says, " I want to rub you down with lotion before we fuck". Then he went right onto a new comment like it was never said. Hello weird! Um, why do you want to do that? Sensual massages with fragrant oils are always welcome, even washing me in the shower is ok, but lotion me down? What's he trying to tell me? Do I have dry skin so bad that he's got to soften it before he can tap it?? As far as I can tell I'm as soft and smooth as a girl can be and I've certainly never had any complaints! Holy shit, is he trying to make a Sunshine skin coat??? "It lotions the skin or else it gets the hose again!" Is this in my future? I can't think of a better reason to break out the Jergens and do work. At this point, I'm thoroughly whipping myself into a panic. "Has Lover completely lost his marbles, have I lost MY marbles?" So I polled the audience and they unanimously agreed that shit was weird. Oy vey.

Guess I'll have to watch my ass, literally, next time we play!

Love and Lambs,

P.S. If any of you freak nasties knew off hand what movie the required listening was from BEFORE you read my post with broad hints in it, then you are too weird for me because I had to Google that shit.

The Return of the Sun

Hi Kittens!

Missed me much?? I sure have missed you! I'm sure you've all been wondering just what the hell I've been up to in my extended absence. Well, I needed a little break to get my head back on straight, to really see the error of my slutty ways and make amends & resolutions for the new year.


I'm sure none of y'all bought that line anyway. There's no such thing as a reformed bad girl. Just girls who lost their spark. When it comes to me, the wise lyrics of a Sunday School song say it best, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" My light is probably red instead of white but pish posh, that's just a technicality.

So why the break, you ask? I'm just going to blame my co-worker for coming back from surgery and being extra pathetic and worthless, the block on my website at work, and the holidays & all the freaking family obligations that come with them. Seriously, family is tedious. Orphans have it made. I swear, if I ever meet an orphan that gets to choose exactly how their holidays get spent and STILL complains about no family, I will slap them until their hair falls out. Then invite them to my house for Christmas and see if their minds don't change in a hot second. This Christmas wasn't particularly bad in comparison to ones in the past. However, my mother cried and made the whole day about her, which is fairly typical, she did the same at my wedding. "My baby won't be here Christmas Eve for the first time in her life!" Wah wah wah. Grow up. I got married. We wanted to spend our first married Christmas Eve in our home. I just really can't be concerned with such ridiculousness. The point of the story is this: I'M BACK! Yep, you couldn't get rid of me with a wooden stake and garlic. You've missed some very entertaining stories AND I have a new muse. You lucky bitches aren't only getting my stories of sexual mishaps this year but my crazy ass friend's too. So buckle up and get ready for more awkwardness than you could've ever imagined!

Until then!

Love and New Ideas,