Thursday, November 3, 2011

A funny thing happened today...

No really, a hysterically funny thing happened today. As usual, I was slacking off at work and decided to check my blog roll for new posts from my favorite bloggers. I do this no less than ten times a day. So I type my blog address into the address bar thingy (I'm sure this has a real name, I can't be bothered to care.) And low and behold this happens:

Forgive the poor quality. You know I work for Adolph so I had to be quick.

Are you effing kidding me, bitches?? This blog has been scandalous from the get go! Now you want to censor me?? Holy hell! My first reaction was to be embarrassed and hurt. This blog is my baby. It's my outlet for all the things on my mind that I can't exactly talk about with just everyone and it got scolded. I really almost cried. It's hard to blog at home thanks to the husband and work is when I bang out some of my best posts. Here I am sick on the start of my birthweek celebration and my fucking blog gets snubbed by some stodgy old web filter! (I should've known I was REALLY sick when I almost cried. I only get emotional when I'm ill and I did finally go home early.) So, I'm upset, my heart is racing, I can't even text fast enough to get across to my friends the distress I'm in and it hits me. This shit is funny. No, it's down right hysterical. I just got labeled a smut writer by a web filter. Excuse me, a pornographic writer. HAHAHAHA! My life has offended my work internet. There's not even any pictures! (Trust me, I could fill this thing up with dick shots if I wanted but I was trying to keep it classy!) Let me tell you ladies, I feel like I just burned my bra or something. I'm officially inappropriate and I LOVE IT! In the wise wise words of Mae West, "Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls go everywhere." And I intend on going everywhere. This may be the cough syrup talking but I feel so empowered by this tiny little thing that I have to have more! I won't stop until people are burning my books one day! I want my name on a banned book list! I want to be so fabulous and full of life that it makes people uncomfortable because they are so jealous! I'm power hungry now! So thanks for fueling my fire, now excuse me while I burn this mother down!

Watch yourself. Game on. 

Love and gasoline,

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

James Dean Glossy Eyes

Required Listening:
Speechless- Lady Gaga

Really that song has nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you other than I love Gaga, Lover wears tight jeans and has long hair and I'm speechless. Seriously, I'm in a sexual haze. Lover actually managed to out do the amazing time that we had LAST time we were together. That sweet boy worked so hard on me last night that he may very well have hurt himself. He definitely was panting like a dog. (A little disturbing since we were going at it doggy style for a while, but nothing I can't ignore.) That boy's superpower is sex. *Warning: It's about to get graphic* Anyone that can make me orgasm with only his tongue before there's any penetration, gets a huge A+++ in my book. He's practically perfect in every way. (That's Mary Poppins, I know. Bear with me. I'm low on sleep and high on dick.) For example, I got there, we drank beer and smoked then ripped into each other, cleaned up, ate Spaghetti-O's, smoked more and watched Gnomeo and Juliet, then proceeded with round two and three. There's no attachment or threat of a needy relationship so we don't have to hold back on what we do or say. Find me a more perfect male and I will gladly bow down to you.
He's wonderful and I'm in LUV. Luv not love. Let's don't be ridiculous. Thank goodness he's only around for one night at a time. I'm not sure even I am up to a steady diet of him. I feel like one of my kidneys was dislodged and I'm about to give birth to it. I should've stretched more. As always though, in the heat of the moment a few random things were said.

1) "I'm going to f*ck you forever!"- Ok Holmes, don't shout. Let's just focus on this time and we can discuss forever later.

2)"You're such a sexy bitch *ass slap*"- I had to stifle a giggle on that one. Thanks, sweet thing. You're a sexy bitch too.

3) It's only fair to tell one on myself. So when things were getting heated up and the undressing was beginning, my high ass said "I bet hooking up with the White Power Ranger would be just like this. Y'all have the same hair." Not my proudest moment. I also had another less than sober moment that I was able to keep to myself. While he was making out with my Britney I kept thinking "this would be a really awkward time to find out he's a zombie."

4) "I'm out of cum"- There's no response to such a champagne problem.

A fun night was had by all. And true to his word he snuggled and held me all night. Until I was finally able to wiggle out of his grip and steal my pillow back. I really should've left an apology note for his brother this morning, though. I'm sure we kept him up a lot later than he would've preferred. Oh well. If he's smart, he jacked off to our sex sounds.

Enjoy your Tuesday! I'm sure I'll be stuck in daydreams all day revisting every hot minute from last night!

Mighty Morphin' Power Luv,