Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Killing Me Softly

Required Listening:
Goodbye Horses- Q. Lazzarus

While I was M.I.A. (not the cute British/Sri Lanken rap girl, although that would've been quite the trip) Lover never ceased to entertain me with his non-stop libido. Bless his heart, he really is the poster child for broken families and disgruntled youth. He always means well, but there never fails to be that one comment that's a little off somehow. We still mostly have to "sext" since the distance between us is so far, but there's still plenty of excitement to be had. We've definitely upped our game up and I will gladly tell you about that later, but for now here's what went down.

Dirtiness was unfolding, pictures had been sent and received, we were both extra creative with our explicit dialogue that night. Basically, a lot of "I can't wait to ____ you while I ____ ____ ____ and then I'm going to ____ your _____." Insert an assortment of colorful nouns and verbs and the scene is set.

UNTIL he says, " I want to rub you down with lotion before we fuck". Then he went right onto a new comment like it was never said. Hello weird! Um, why do you want to do that? Sensual massages with fragrant oils are always welcome, even washing me in the shower is ok, but lotion me down? What's he trying to tell me? Do I have dry skin so bad that he's got to soften it before he can tap it?? As far as I can tell I'm as soft and smooth as a girl can be and I've certainly never had any complaints! Holy shit, is he trying to make a Sunshine skin coat??? "It lotions the skin or else it gets the hose again!" Is this in my future? I can't think of a better reason to break out the Jergens and do work. At this point, I'm thoroughly whipping myself into a panic. "Has Lover completely lost his marbles, have I lost MY marbles?" So I polled the audience and they unanimously agreed that shit was weird. Oy vey.

Guess I'll have to watch my ass, literally, next time we play!

Love and Lambs,

P.S. If any of you freak nasties knew off hand what movie the required listening was from BEFORE you read my post with broad hints in it, then you are too weird for me because I had to Google that shit.

The Return of the Sun

Hi Kittens!

Missed me much?? I sure have missed you! I'm sure you've all been wondering just what the hell I've been up to in my extended absence. Well, I needed a little break to get my head back on straight, to really see the error of my slutty ways and make amends & resolutions for the new year.


I'm sure none of y'all bought that line anyway. There's no such thing as a reformed bad girl. Just girls who lost their spark. When it comes to me, the wise lyrics of a Sunday School song say it best, "This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine!" My light is probably red instead of white but pish posh, that's just a technicality.

So why the break, you ask? I'm just going to blame my co-worker for coming back from surgery and being extra pathetic and worthless, the block on my website at work, and the holidays & all the freaking family obligations that come with them. Seriously, family is tedious. Orphans have it made. I swear, if I ever meet an orphan that gets to choose exactly how their holidays get spent and STILL complains about no family, I will slap them until their hair falls out. Then invite them to my house for Christmas and see if their minds don't change in a hot second. This Christmas wasn't particularly bad in comparison to ones in the past. However, my mother cried and made the whole day about her, which is fairly typical, she did the same at my wedding. "My baby won't be here Christmas Eve for the first time in her life!" Wah wah wah. Grow up. I got married. We wanted to spend our first married Christmas Eve in our home. I just really can't be concerned with such ridiculousness. The point of the story is this: I'M BACK! Yep, you couldn't get rid of me with a wooden stake and garlic. You've missed some very entertaining stories AND I have a new muse. You lucky bitches aren't only getting my stories of sexual mishaps this year but my crazy ass friend's too. So buckle up and get ready for more awkwardness than you could've ever imagined!

Until then!

Love and New Ideas,

Thursday, November 3, 2011

A funny thing happened today...

No really, a hysterically funny thing happened today. As usual, I was slacking off at work and decided to check my blog roll for new posts from my favorite bloggers. I do this no less than ten times a day. So I type my blog address into the address bar thingy (I'm sure this has a real name, I can't be bothered to care.) And low and behold this happens:

Forgive the poor quality. You know I work for Adolph so I had to be quick.

Are you effing kidding me, bitches?? This blog has been scandalous from the get go! Now you want to censor me?? Holy hell! My first reaction was to be embarrassed and hurt. This blog is my baby. It's my outlet for all the things on my mind that I can't exactly talk about with just everyone and it got scolded. I really almost cried. It's hard to blog at home thanks to the husband and work is when I bang out some of my best posts. Here I am sick on the start of my birthweek celebration and my fucking blog gets snubbed by some stodgy old web filter! (I should've known I was REALLY sick when I almost cried. I only get emotional when I'm ill and I did finally go home early.) So, I'm upset, my heart is racing, I can't even text fast enough to get across to my friends the distress I'm in and it hits me. This shit is funny. No, it's down right hysterical. I just got labeled a smut writer by a web filter. Excuse me, a pornographic writer. HAHAHAHA! My life has offended my work internet. There's not even any pictures! (Trust me, I could fill this thing up with dick shots if I wanted but I was trying to keep it classy!) Let me tell you ladies, I feel like I just burned my bra or something. I'm officially inappropriate and I LOVE IT! In the wise wise words of Mae West, "Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls go everywhere." And I intend on going everywhere. This may be the cough syrup talking but I feel so empowered by this tiny little thing that I have to have more! I won't stop until people are burning my books one day! I want my name on a banned book list! I want to be so fabulous and full of life that it makes people uncomfortable because they are so jealous! I'm power hungry now! So thanks for fueling my fire, now excuse me while I burn this mother down!

Watch yourself. Game on. 

Love and gasoline,

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

James Dean Glossy Eyes

Required Listening:
Speechless- Lady Gaga

Really that song has nothing to do with what I'm about to tell you other than I love Gaga, Lover wears tight jeans and has long hair and I'm speechless. Seriously, I'm in a sexual haze. Lover actually managed to out do the amazing time that we had LAST time we were together. That sweet boy worked so hard on me last night that he may very well have hurt himself. He definitely was panting like a dog. (A little disturbing since we were going at it doggy style for a while, but nothing I can't ignore.) That boy's superpower is sex. *Warning: It's about to get graphic* Anyone that can make me orgasm with only his tongue before there's any penetration, gets a huge A+++ in my book. He's practically perfect in every way. (That's Mary Poppins, I know. Bear with me. I'm low on sleep and high on dick.) For example, I got there, we drank beer and smoked then ripped into each other, cleaned up, ate Spaghetti-O's, smoked more and watched Gnomeo and Juliet, then proceeded with round two and three. There's no attachment or threat of a needy relationship so we don't have to hold back on what we do or say. Find me a more perfect male and I will gladly bow down to you.
He's wonderful and I'm in LUV. Luv not love. Let's don't be ridiculous. Thank goodness he's only around for one night at a time. I'm not sure even I am up to a steady diet of him. I feel like one of my kidneys was dislodged and I'm about to give birth to it. I should've stretched more. As always though, in the heat of the moment a few random things were said.

1) "I'm going to f*ck you forever!"- Ok Holmes, don't shout. Let's just focus on this time and we can discuss forever later.

2)"You're such a sexy bitch *ass slap*"- I had to stifle a giggle on that one. Thanks, sweet thing. You're a sexy bitch too.

3) It's only fair to tell one on myself. So when things were getting heated up and the undressing was beginning, my high ass said "I bet hooking up with the White Power Ranger would be just like this. Y'all have the same hair." Not my proudest moment. I also had another less than sober moment that I was able to keep to myself. While he was making out with my Britney I kept thinking "this would be a really awkward time to find out he's a zombie."

4) "I'm out of cum"- There's no response to such a champagne problem.

A fun night was had by all. And true to his word he snuggled and held me all night. Until I was finally able to wiggle out of his grip and steal my pillow back. I really should've left an apology note for his brother this morning, though. I'm sure we kept him up a lot later than he would've preferred. Oh well. If he's smart, he jacked off to our sex sounds.

Enjoy your Tuesday! I'm sure I'll be stuck in daydreams all day revisting every hot minute from last night!

Mighty Morphin' Power Luv,

Friday, October 28, 2011


It's hardly been 3 weeks since I swore him off. Things had gotten stale and I just wasn't feeling it anymore with Lover. I've been totally okay with it too. ShyGuy has been entertaining me when I need it and I honestly haven't given much thought to Lover. Until last night. He's like a sexual plague that starts with one simple text message. I should've been strong and not responded but who am I kidding?? I have NO will power. Especially not when it comes to this particular Bieber. I'm a little ashamed of how quickly I got sucked back in.One good full frontal shot and I was back craving his Tommy Lee. He's passing through town on the way to somewhere for a gig and then back through on Sunday or Monday on the way home. Who could resist that? Better question, who would want to pass on steamy, wild, monkey sex with a blond god? Not this white girl. No way. I wanted on that shit for a long time, once I got it I loved it and I'm a greedy American. More is more! One nudie pic and I was sent over the edge. So I guess if it can be worked out (stories, time lines etc. Having an affair is like doing a science experiment. Will it create something great or will it blow up in my face and singe my eyebrows off.?) I will be balls deep in blonde hair before Tuesday. I CAN'T WAIT! But like life, there's a few downfalls.

1) I can't remember if I've fully explained how I know him. He plays bass in a band that my ex-bf and current bff (super weird situation but remember who's talking. It's typical) used to be in. So they've been friends for years and years. The Ex-BF/BFF would probably be devastated to find out that we've got a little sumpin' sumpin' going on. It's no secret that the ex is still in love with me. (Can you blame him?) He would hate us both. He'd eventually forgive me but never him and honestly he doesn't have enough friends for me to be taking them away. To make matters worse he was having lunch with one of Lover's room mates and possibly Lover himself today. I can't catch a break sometimes.

2) I guess really this isn't a downfall but it's a weird occurrence. Like I've said Lover is extremely skilled at dirty text messages. Well, the son of a bitch is equally as skilled at sending emotionally charged ones. Not only does he tell me the filthy, delicious things he's going to do to me but he tells me things like he misses me and wishes he could see me everyday. He's even gone so far as to tell me I'm perfect, his drug and *get ready for this* that we will be together for a long time, no matter who we were with, I'm his. What do you say back to that?? I don't require all the sugar coating, it's nice and it makes matters even better but we both know it's not necessary.  *** LIGHTBULB MOMENT*** I bet I could make him say the dirty "L" word. No, I don't me lesbian. I made ShyGuy turn into a complete freak, is this really any different? It's the same thing in reverse. He's already a freak in the sheets, can I turn him soft and break his heart? He's already half-way there. Seriously, I've never been held all night by a boy that I had crazy sex with that didn't love me at least a little. (Not counting that one time with HomeTown, although he did turn out to have feelings for me.) He's even gotten a little choked up during sex once and begged me to let him have me again. WE WEREN'T DONE WITH THE FIRST GO ROUND! We'll just see, though. I may have to contemplate this little personal wager for a while longer.

So who knows what this weekend might bring. Hopefully, it will have at least a little fun and naughty time with him. Sweet ole "dick in hand", as my friend calls him. Hey, a dick in the hand is worth one in the bush right?? :)

Love and repeat offenses,

P.S. Oh shit. I forgot I told ShyGuy I would come see him Saturday night after his soccer game... Oops! Sorry honey, you'll always be second fiddle.

Monday, October 24, 2011

List #5 Old School Jams

I heard not one, but two songs on my XM radio today that reminded me of high school days. I can't believe there's a channel on XM for songs exclusively from the first decade of the millenium just like a 90's and 80's channel. Bad ass, right? I started thinking, though. There are 1000's of songs and bands that I have come to love since high school but I can safely say there have been very few that contain the memories and emotions that some of those high school era songs do. Of course most of them were terrible pop songs but that's not the point. They were my jam! These songs got me excited to go ride around town on a Saturday night, go to a school dance or just freaking roll with the windows down with my best girls. I wouldn't repeat high school for all the money on Earth but I would love to have just one more teenage ride with my friends, listening to our songs and just enjoying not having a care in the world. Before I get too sappy, I present to you my perfect high school playlist:

List #5 Old School Jams

1. Addicted- Simple Plan
2. Toxic- Britney Spears
3. Remix to Ignition- R. Kelly
4. Boys of Summer- The Ataris
5. When Gentry Plays Guitar- Jessica Andrews
6. Take Me Away- Fefe Dobson
7. Colt 45- Afroman
8. On the Grind- Nelly
9. Trial Time- Mr. Bigg
10. Any and every Matchbox 20 song
11. Ditto for John Mayer
12. F*ck It- Eamon
13. Where is the Love?- Black Eyed Peas
14. I Found Someone- Cher
15. Little Red Corvette- Prince
16. Boys of Summer- The Ataris
17. Still Fly & Get Your Roll On- Big Tymers
18. Buddy Holly- Weezer
19. Teenage Dirtbag- Wheatus
20. Salt Shaka- Ying Yang Twins
21. Champagne Supernova- Oasis
22. Fat Lip- Sum 41
23. Get Low- Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boys
24. Slow Motion- Juvenile
25. 21 Questions- 50 Cent
26. *Best Rap CD of the Decade* Chicken and Beer- Ludacris

I hate to stop on a random number but if I don't just quit then this list will be 5,000 songs long!
What are your high school favorites?

Love and Mixed Tapes,

Sex, Lies and ???

I've created a monster.

You've all heard about ShyGuy. He's a sweet precious little sex toy that I do so love to play with. He's not super experienced like Lover but pretty well endowed and attentive to my physical needs. I went to visit him a few weeks ago and we had a fabulous time. Nothing out of the ordinary. I made the bet with myself that I could get him to send me a nudie pic and he finally did. It was a horribly planned out picture but hey, it was a step in the right direction. I wanted to make him a little kinkier and I succeeded.

This past weekend I exchanged a few dirty texts with him. Pretty typical filth about what we want to do to each other. No biggie. I sent a few pics, he actually sent a good dick pic. (Good angle, fully engorged) I'm beside myself at this point thinking about how uninhibited I've gotten him to be and what a crazy, hair pulling, ass slapping sexy time we will have next time we see each other. Then the unthinkable happened. This motherfucker jumped head first into the dirty deep end. (Have I mentioned I can't swim??)

He asked me to send him a video.

I was at a loss for words and that is just not something that happens to me. Ten thousand questions went through my head. A video? A video of what? Me undressing? Ok, that might could be doable. But how will I work the camera and look sexy while shimmying my hot buns in a seductive way? I don't even own a video camera for Pete's sake! Can this feat be accomplished with my iPhone? How do even I respond to such a request? So I play coy and say "a video of what? :)" Not my most clever response but hell! It was 11pm, I've been taking care of my post-op husband who was spitting blood all over me, cut me some slack!
I'm mildly ashamed to even share what he said back to me. He honestly said to me:

"A video of you pleasing yourself using a tool or your fingers"

Uh, say what? A tool? Just when I thought he was done being awkward and not good at sexual things he not only goes too far, but does it in such a matter of fact way. A tool??? I was stunned. Then I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. I'm a country girl at heart. You say tool and I think hammer, screwdriver (no pun intended), monkey wrench etc. I'm getting all kinds of terrible visuals at this point. I'm sure his retarded, inexperienced ass meant a dildo but what straight girl has a dildo?? Real dicks are so cheap! Only lesbians have dildos! I will never need to wear a strap on, therefore I have no need for a big rubber Bieber! Vibrator yes, dildo no. And did this fool really say this to me?? Like really really?? Holy shit! Can't you just see me trying to masturbate with a "tool" in one hand and my iPhone in the other?? Well I can't.

I had no choice but to respond to him in the only way any self respecting girl can in this situation.

"I won't send you a video. But next time I come see you we can make one together :)"

I'm still dirty, I'm just not a freak!

Love and dirty deeds,