Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Can't you see I've waited long enough?

I'm suffering at work today! I really should be fired for the amount and quality of work I do. Truthfully, we aren't that busy lately but still I should try to focus more. But who could focus with as much on my mind as I generally have on mine?? There's my marriage to think of, my lover, my lack of satisfaction with my current life path, all the fantasies of how I'd rather have my life, money, shoes, wine, etc...But lately mostly my lover. I swore I was going to change my nasty ways and be true to my husband when we wed. Well that lasted for a while. Then I got pregnant. Then I lost the baby. Nothing has been the same since. I'm sure you are all thinking the same things. "That's a hard thing to go through, be patient, be there for each other, blah blah blah" Thanks for the generic words of wisdom but I'll do me ok??! Now of course, I still love my husband dearly. He's been my best friend for so long now but something died with the baby. Maybe it's because it was such a joyful surprise, or because we haven't been married very long. Either way, it's just not the same anymore. We had planned to travel and wait a while for children before we got that particular unexpected gift. But we were never sad that our plans weren't going to happen. We were overjoyed. Then we lost that. My heart broke. It'll always make me sad to think of that time but some part of me feels relief. Does that make a horrible person? Probably, but at least I'm honest. I'm a very controlling person. I don't care for surprises. I'd rather be in on the planning and timing and every single teeny tiny detail of everything! I wasn't ready for it. We're still newlyweds! Holy Moses! We're going on a big trip this year and I would've been almost 8 months pregnant! Holy Smokes Batman! I need to make sure I'm going to be happy in this situation before I add another life to the mix. All of which has only drawn me to the conclusion that I want a baby, not a family. I would love to raise and teach a child but I want it my way. (I should've warned you that I can be extremely selfish at times, sue me!) I want to make decisions for two not three. And even more I realized that if this is my line of thought then I should think about the baby thing a bit more. The husband wants to try again right away so we I guess we are. I'm just not gonna be devastated every time my period shoes up instead of 2 little blue lines. When it happens I'll be ready though. I'll have my mind more wrapped around it by then. I said all that to say this, I'm still young, and I'm gonna be me for a while longer. Life is long. I'll get around to everything eventually. Right now, I'll just do me and see how that goes for a while. So I took a new lover.  ;) One I've wanted for a while now... He's dreamy... Want me to give you the scoop??

Love and shaggy haired boys,

No comments:

Post a Comment